My dear friend Lexi from
Potty Mouth Mama posted an entry on her blog about bullying a couple of hours ago.
To say that it has deeply affected me would be an understatement for I got out of our warm bed and am sitting shivering in our front room typing. To make me feel better and to say to Lexi - I hear you.
Last year, our son Elton started complaining about a boy his own age bullying him. It started out small but then this year it was worse. Elton would cry and say he didn't want to see this boy, would talk about this boy to his kindy teachers and when I coxed him into being around this child would be anxious and withdrawn.
To add to this dilemma was that the boy is Autistic like Elton.
So we are faced with this new obstacle of how to raise this problem with his early intervention centre, not alienate the mother who we were friends with and still be an advocate for our son while treading around bullying with Autistic children who already have social problems to begin with.
My husband and I raised our concerns last year but things really came to a head this term where we felt Elton was not going to get enough out of group because he was too worried about the boy. To their credit, the teachers did try to keep the boys apart, but the problem was never in the group itself but the playtime in the yard before group began. By the time Elton went into group, he was not the Elton I knew. He was withdrawn and quiet and would break down in the car on the way home telling me things that had happened in the yard.
We went to the teachers and raised our concerns and it appeared that it would all be ok. They listened and tried to come up with solutions in the group and we felt at ease. Then at the beginning of term Elton cried and told me he had been bitten on the toes and hit in the face at quiet time and I approached the teachers again. At the same time the mother of the boy found out about what had been going on and I received contrite and pointed remarks from her that the intervention centre had told her "well we have never seen anything" and "this is just Autistic behaviour."
To tell a mother of a child who is being bullied "we have never seen anything" is plain wrong. Bullying by definition means that it generally doesn't happen or be seen by people of authority. To say that they have not seen it does not mean that it didn't happen.
To also say that this is just Autistic behaviour is also an insult. Autistic people are just like you and me and do know right from wrong. If they don't know it, they can learn it if you make a point to teach them those skills. You can't send your child into this world hitting people and then say "well he's Autistic" like that is ok and his excuse. I know first hand how hard it is, but if you put the time in to help your child they will learn.
What has happened now is that my husband and I lost all confidence in his early intervention centre. We still attend Elton's individual sessions but we ceased his group. My son will not miss out on learning for we found a place that offers a special school readiness program for Autistic children that we thought would be better suited for him. Especially with school coming up next year.
But he's 5 years old and this has been our first taste of bullying. Bullying by the boy to our son. Bullying by the mother to me. I can honestly say that by not going to group I didn't have to see the mum and this made me happy to avoid the confrontation, but I also don't know what example I have set to our son. That his own Mum also wanted to hide.
Ben says to me all the time, "You have done nothing wrong. You stood up for our son. Walk in there and hold your head up with pride." But I can't help feeling mad at myself for simply slinking away. I removed the problem but it didn't fix it. Elton hasn't learnt any skills for how to deal with bullies and this boy hasn't learnt any skills for how to get along with his peers.
I don't know why the bullied are always treated lower than the bullies. Maybe people don't want to deal with it and just want you to shut up and go away.
Were my husband and I happy with the intervention centre? No.
Yes they tried to keep the boys apart in the class room and offered for us to go to another group but this was for younger children with no school readiness program. Elton would not have gained anything from being moved.
They could have spoken directly with our son. Not once did the teachers ask Elton what was happening. Not one time. So many times we tell our own children if anything is wrong to tell the teachers. This is a two way street. My child has a voice too.
They could have told a social story to the entire group or read stories about bullying. But they didn't.
They could have made Ben and I feel that our problem was worth listening too but nobody actually really heard us.
We do know that the advice they give us as parents is to watch out for bullies. That our autistic children will be bullied by the normal kids. What was the advice they gave us if it happens within the centre? Nothing. Because apparently they just don't see it.
It takes an enormous amount of courage for your little person to come to you with a problem or a worry, and when they do you have to listen and hear them and try to work it out.
In the end you know your own child. You made them. You know if they are worried about something, then it's your worry too. Everyone has the skills as a parent to teach their child right from wrong. Bullying does not need to happen and is just not acceptable.....and never ever tell someone that because you don't see it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.
